Words of Encouragment

 A friend of mine posted a while back about a parenting book that she read that filled her with encouragement.  The name of the book is called Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family.  I love to read and am always looking for advice on parenting especially books that incorporate God into parenting.  I read it and it did change my perspective so I thought I'd share.  I could never say it as well as the author, Paul David Tripp, but there was a part of the book that really spoke to me.

About a month ago we went to Port Aransas for vacation.  Now picture this...four kids in the car...for about 10 hours to get to the beach.  A place they hadn't seen and were very excited to visit.  Movies are great and are about the only thing that keep me sane.  However, someone always needs to go to the bathroom so we'll stop and unload four kids (side note even if you've got one kid...even if you have no kids and have just buckled one in before feel my pain for just a second) by the time everyone has pooped, peed and wash AND dried every square inch of their precious little hands I'm tired and we haven't even walked past the isles and isles of candy and chips in the convenient store.  By the time I've herded...literally herded like cattle...wait no cats CATS is the animals I'm looking for to the door and explained how "no they don't need anything and no they won't die of hunger and no sometimes life isn't fair OH and if my snacks that I purposefully packed and the bottles of water that I purposefully packed isn't something they want then they aren't really that thirsty or hungry" usually there is at least one pouting by this point.  We load the children and get back on the road.  We stopped for the night because we couldn't technically get into our house on the beach until the next day so here is another scene I must describe to get the full effect of my point.

Hotels...crowded hotels and four children.  Four children under the age of 6...I could stop here but I need to go on.  Four children that have been in a car all day, only stopping to eat at a restaurant and having to really sit still there too.  As a parent you brace yourself for things to come, sometimes you think "ahhh it won't be bad" other times you think "ughhh this is going to be sooo bad" when we finally got to the room after everyone literally couldn't carry anything.  Their arms and legs suddenly had no feeling in them and may possibly have been broken and couldn't carry a single item from the car.  Tye was tired.  He looked like a pack mule prepared for a two year journey.  Also, side note here you will never know how much strength you have until you're a mother and refuse to make two trips to the car...I looked like a much smaller, weaker pack mule but a mule nonetheless.  

We get inside the room.

All the things you hope for as an adult like small refrigerators and microwaves and air conditioners that you control and have buttons...are pure torture elements for parents with little kids.  I think I may have said "if you open the refrigerator and try to put your whole body in it one more time I'm going to spank your bottom."  I may have said "who touched the microwave and why does it say 'loss of power' did someone unplug it...wait it wouldn't say that if it was unplugged...did someone touch this."  I may have said "if you flush the potty or scream or play with the telephone one more time your going to be in big trouble." 

Finally after 6 showers, sharing towels (tears were shed over this because apparently the towel was ringing wet as if someone just dipped it into a pool...it was DAMP if that) and pajamas and brushing teeth, hair and who knows what else we all went to sleep.  This is something we have mastered.  I don't know how and I don't know why but our kids sleep.  Silver linings...

We wake up, get everyone dressed, luggage packed and get downstairs and the line to the waffle maker is so long and my kids are STARVING like may not be able to stand a minute longer and wait (probably because I didn't let them get anything at the convenient store) that I thought I might just cry or scream or lay down and kick my arms and legs.  I remember that I'm an adult and it's also 9:00 in the morning.  I also remember that I have to be strong for Tye because he might want to do the same thing.

 Needless to say we drove another couple hours and had the best 5 days we had had in a while.  We spent so much quality time together building sand castles, swimming and site seeing.  Parenting isn't always full of the rough, tough and hard moments.  It's also full of wonderful, winning changing heart moments.  It seems like though the hard ones are the ones we seem to dwell on.  When my kids haven't behaved the way I wanted them to, the moment I needed them to I feel a sense of failure.  Later that evening I'll think have they not been listening or have I not done a good job of conveying my expectations?  I very rarely ever think later that evening today was a winning day in parenthood! 

The book says "We want parenting to be a series of events rather than a lifelong process.  We think that if we are stern enough and loud enough, and make threats big enough, we will win, and our children will instantly change."

We can always look to God to show us the perfect parenting model.  "When justifying you, God is fully aware that he is committing himself to day by day process of illuminating, confronting convicting, forgiving, transforming, and delivering grace."  Paul talks about this in 1 Timothy.  Jesus displayed patience and grace with us just as we should do with our children.  "Parenting is not a series of dramatic confrontation-confession events, but rather a life-long process incremental awareness and progressive change."

He described it this way which made me laugh because we happened to be on a vacation.

"It's like the day you're leaving for vacation, and you have parented your children all year long.  It would be nice if they could give you a break during your vacation. Here you are ten miles down the road and already they are fighting.  A misunderstanding of what you've been called to as a parent will always set up unrealistic expectations of your children and frustration as a parent that will tempt you to do and say things that you shouldn't do or say."

Isn't this the truth.  We take it so personal.  YOU mean YOU disobeyed me?  ME the person who gave you life?  Isn't it all so dramatic.  We take it as a personal assault or at least I do.  We expect obedience we expect immediate change in behavior the moment we open our mouth or the moment we snap our fingers.  Now don't get me wrong.  I do expect my children to obey me.  I want them so badly to obey me but not because I'm annoyed...well sometimes but mostly it's because I want them to grow up to be godly, holy, Jesus following adults.  I want them to understand when "I say don't stuff you brother into the refrigerator"..okay bad example.  I want them to understand when I say don't run across a parking lot, or don't just stare at someone when they speak to you or don't hit your sibling it's because I'm trying to train not just their brains to think correctly but more importantly their hearts to feel compassion and empathy.  I realize however that they aren't adults.  They're kids and so stuffing your brother into the refrigerator seems fun..right?

This leads me to my next point.  Well really the authors point in that parenting is a life long event.  "Since change is most often a process and seldom an event, you have to remember that you can't look for a dramatic transformational conclusion to your encounters with your children.  Seldom is change the result of a dramatic moment.   So you have partial conversations and unfinished moments, but in each moment you are imparting wisdom to your child, each building your child's self-awareness, each moment you are enlivening your child's conscience, each moment you are giving your child God-awareness, each moment you are constructing a biblical worldview for your child, and each moment you are giving the Spirit of God an opportunity to do things in and for your child that you cannot do.  As parents God has called you to take advantage of the little moments of life to take little steps with your children.  Parenting is an unending conversation.  You see, God loves your child even more than you do, and because he loves him or her, he has put them in a family of faith, and he will expose what is wrong with that child again and again so that you have opportunity after opportunity to take yet another step in the process of awareness, conviction, commitment, and change that he has called you to be part of in the life of your child.  So each day you look for another opportunity to take that critical conversation one more step and because you do, you don't consider those moments where correction is needed to be interruptions or hassles, but gifts of grace afforded you by a God who is at work in the hearts and lives of your children.  So you're not mad at your children for needing you; you're happy for another opportunity to continue the process."  

I loved this.  I needed this.   If they are acting like maniacs and not listening surely it hasn't sunk into their hearts right?  WRONG.  That just simply isn't true.  It's all a process.  Every time you take the time to parent your child IT IS changing them.  Every single time I have to say "don't hit your sibling" and I explain God gave us hands for helping, for getting dressed, for brushing our teeth not for putting our hands on other people, they are changing.  Does it mean that one moment of truth will cause an epiphany and they will all of a sudden understand why we have hands...no it doesn't.  It just means that as they grow and as I continue to guide them they are getting a better understanding of how we treat others.  We can't parent without God.  The sad thing is people try to.  All over the world, all around us and the truth is our kids have to live in this world.  God gives grace.  Jesus died because of our sin and we didn't shed a tear or drop of blood for it.  That's grace.  I occasionally give my children grace and probably not near enough.  I never give myself grace especially when it comes to parenting.  It takes so much weight off my shoulders to know that I don't have to be perfect.  In the moments parenting is hard and I've reacted in a way that isn't pleasing to me and isn't pleasing to who I am first which is a child of God then I should give myself grace.  I should be able to take a deep breath, say a prayer for help and change my behavior and attitude that models to my children Jesus; love, mercy, compassion, kindness, empathy and so many more.  Parenting is a process and just like my heavenly Father has patience with me, we as parents, should have patience with our children. 

I'm hopeful that I start seeing misbehavior as opportunities of guidance.  I'm hopeful that with God's help I can point my children in a direction that leads to him so that when they are adults they will never be truly lost.
 I love heart changing moments. 
I pray they continue to build for all of us.